i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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