How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
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I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
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second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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