The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
