does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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