gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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