i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
