just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
