i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
