Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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