he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
