I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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