i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
