We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
