i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
you never un-have a 4some
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
