Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
