we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
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yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
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Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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