If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
