I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
