I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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