she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
