Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
