I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
