It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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