sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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