Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
