I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
My dick has a subreddit
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
