Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
