Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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