I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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