Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
My underwear smells like fireworks.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
