Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
