Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
