I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
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He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
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Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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