aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
