I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
