He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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