Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
