Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
