I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I am spending my child support on dildos
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
