Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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