I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i already hear my dad disowning me
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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