You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
