when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
people are starting to question the shark bite story
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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