I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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