No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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