i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
