If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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