You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
