dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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