so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
