FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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