Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.