cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you