I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
