i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
