People with herpes should wear stickers.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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