I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea