I'm going to rape someone's good day.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
