I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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