i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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